The Journey Begins

6/11/2014

Jess

6/11/2014 04:26:16 am

I looked down at my husband's cut and bruised hands. Years welled up in his eyes as he told me the news.
"I must leave, and go fight for our country"
I died inside. My husband pack his bag, went for the door and Sid a very heartbreaking
"Good bye."
He locked the door and I fell into my grandfathers chair and looked at all the pictures of my husband and I happy and never wanting to leave each others side.

Mr Mc

6/11/2014 04:28:35 am

You expressed some very deep emotion and captured the depths of sadness for those who are left behind. I was moved by your use of "welled up", "heartbreaking" and "died inside".

Kyodi

13/11/2014 02:13:00 am

Nice story I really like the beginning but try and check your spelling

Mr Mc

6/11/2014 04:29:12 am

After years of looking for work the day had come. My Great Grandfather had to leave to his homeland to scavenge for work elsewhere. He had heard of the new gold fields in America, but lately everyone had talked excitedly of the gold fields in a remote place, called Australia. With one change of clothes, a heavy conscience and just enough money to get him on a ship, he embraced his wife and daughter firmly.
“I’ll send for you as soon as I can,” he pleaded.
The ship was huge, towering over the thousands of people crawling into its stern. At first it felt like a dream, but after four weeks on board he realised that he was now far apart from his home and family. His heart sunk deeper.

Marcus

6/11/2014 04:30:35 am

As I left to search for a job a couple months later, but I finally
found a job I had to travel to England I to my mum she was depressed she didn't what me to leave her I said "this is where grandad worked he told me story about his work" my mum was miserable I pack up to leave to start work I finish packing my mum squeaked me strongly I slowly walked out the door.

Mr Mc

6/11/2014 04:34:26 am

I liked how you slowed down your writing at the point where he was leaving for the door. You need to pay attention to your editing and make sure the sentences all make sense.

Marcus

6/11/2014 04:47:29 am

After the war ended I searched for a job a couple months later,I finally found a job I had to travel to England I told my mum that I was leaving she depressed that I was leaving she didn't what me to leave I said "that's where grandad worked he has told my story's about his work" mum was misrable I packed ready to leave to start work I finished packing my mum squeaked my strongly I slowly walked out the door.

Cooper

6/11/2014 04:34:55 am

I got back from my trip locked the door I saw Luke there at first glance I jumped in to his arms. Something was horrifically rong. I herd a scream.

Mr Mc

6/11/2014 04:40:33 am

Try writing more. Nice use of glance.

Jess

6/11/2014 04:40:53 am

I liked the first part nut it needs to he longer.

Zoe

6/11/2014 04:35:11 am

My greatgrandfather was a young . 21. He rode on horse back to travel. Seeing the skirts of the world was like a fariytale. Greece to the USA . England to France . But home , home was the best place to be . Until the war had started . My greatgrandfather told me always to stay safe and surcure honey as he left to fight. He embraced me and mum. Then his shadow was gone .

Mr Mc

6/11/2014 04:42:04 am

Nice use of phrases, skirts the world. Check your punctuation.

Sophia

6/11/2014 04:36:08 am

Just about to leave home feeling that gilet feeling inside knowing how much I will miss my family going to a new country to fight for my own.Walking out the door of my sorrow family all ready feeling the sadness of leaving my family behind.

Mr Mc

6/11/2014 04:43:06 am

You really convey the emotion, try also using the other senses to build feeling into your writing.

Kane

6/11/2014 04:36:14 am

My great grandfathers journey
My great grand father had to leave to his homeland to find work elsewhere. He had heard of the new gold fields in America but lately everyone had expressed exceptional of the car sales in a isolated place called Australia he had to leave his beloved family his wife Jackie and his boy jack.

Jess

6/11/2014 04:36:57 am

I liked the way you wrote it and the .21. was funn

Jess

6/11/2014 04:40:22 am

I ment funny

Yilara

6/11/2014 04:37:07 am

My grandfather was a young man when he scavenged to bump into the love of his life. He bumped into my grandmother.

Elias

6/11/2014 04:38:27 am

"Why do you have to go, can't you fake an injury or something please."

"I told you, I'm doing this for our country.

"Ok, I've got to go."

"Ok bye."

"Bye."

"Ready Soldiers? In 1 minute every single chair will deactivate and you will drop down to the ground. Remember, extra bullets in left detach pocket."

Brian is scared and terrified from hearing the gun shots down below.

From leaving his homeland was the hardest thing to do. It comes so quick from last night with his family having a bbq to this the next day....it's terrifying!

Jake

6/11/2014 04:42:09 am

Nice use of chatting in your story Eli

Kane

6/11/2014 04:42:28 am

I like how you put some action in at the end and how you put some speaking in to

Mat

6/11/2014 04:39:12 am

But I have to go its my job the man replied.what about our kids said the wife I have to go.i said in an emotional voice the reason I'm going to war is so I can absolutely guarantee your safety you and our kids mean the world to me and if I die the last thing I will think of is your heart.

We rushed out on many boats my captain said its going to be a month before we get there.after a week we were Icelated there were more then 100 people and only ONE SHOWER. It was like being in a bowl of sweat

Kyodi

6/11/2014 04:41:00 am

My grandfather was a young man when he left England to start over. His mum was dead and his dad was looking for a place to start over. At the time this had happend he was five.
Exceptfor his few friends, many of the children in his class knew him as a let down, set back, and mostly a disapointment.
Meeting new people was hard for him, most of the time he saw the other children as acquaintances an many thought the same of him. No-one really seemed to be like him. He was the odd one out.

Jake

6/11/2014 04:43:26 am

Great expressions of the words

Kyodi

13/11/2014 02:13:46 am

Thanks

Piper

6/11/2014 04:41:51 am

Affter days of being lonely and poor I've finally found a job that has not been taken, and it gives you lots of money for my family. But there is a consequence to this job. It's in America so It will be like starting my hole life over again.

Mr Mc

6/11/2014 04:44:47 am

I like the order of your writing, it really is suprising. You need to edit your work though.

KYE

6/11/2014 04:43:25 am

I have to go its not you its me i said to my wife what are we going to do with the kids I will get them to live with my parents ok bye.As i walked outside I hailed a cab and said to the airport we arrive at the air port and I raced to the French air way booth and got my ticket as we took of I looked out side of my window I saw a fantastic view from my window we finally arrived at France I slugged of the plane like a zombie from no sleep I went and bought a car and drove to my isolated accomadationand ran up to my room it was the best sweet that the hotel was offering.

Hayden link

6/11/2014 04:44:30 am

Finally, the package had arrived all the things that Tom needed for his excursion, he picked up the list that had everything in the box, he read it aloud " compass, utensils, lantern, filtration bottle, and backpack to put it all in. That night while he was asleep he heard a smash, he woke with a shudder, the window to his right was shattered glass was all over the floor he quickly put on his shoes and rushed over to the window he looked down the kitchen light was on he looked behind him his bedroom door was open.......

Hayden link

6/11/2014 04:47:09 am

The rest is a bit overrated, sorry

Maddison

6/11/2014 04:45:15 am

My grandfather was a wise young man he was the best grandfather he was the best grandfather any one could ever have.I saw him every Monday one manday I went to visit him and no one was there so I asked my perants why and it turnd out that he had moved to England

Noah

6/11/2014 04:46:31 am

When he stepped into his newly acquired accommodation he was blown back by the stench of decayed flowers and mould and dry rot. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed a flash of white. Curiously he followed the thing into a room. When he saw it fully for the first time he was bewildered. It had a long muscular tail that was twice the size of it's short stout body. It had two large ears poking out of either side and a long slimy tongue. But what was the most bewildering was that it had gills. Later the man found out that this creature's favourite pastime was stalking and devouring toad in the local ponds.

Alana

6/11/2014 04:46:46 am

When I was young .I had dreamed about being a mother to a son. I had grown up in a small village in the rice fields where I escaped to have some free time to write in my Kimoki diary , I have treasured this diary till this present day. A couple years later when i was 24 going on 25 I found the love of my life, a soldier in the army.

Yilara

6/11/2014 04:49:18 am

Add a space after your first full stop.

robbie

6/11/2014 04:48:58 am

when my grandfather was only 14 when he decided to leave his home. he swiped his mother's wallet and his fake id he was heartbroken at first after he came to reality but he was on a assignment for the us govenment to pose as a veit solider in the veitnam war but he never came back from the assignment.

for the love of learning

The Journey Begins

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